Um yeah, I’m not even sure where to really start. I spent 8 hours today drinking from a firehose – a wealth of information on parenting kids from hard places from Dr. Karyn Purvis as well as Michael & Amy Monroe.
You know what I realized?
Wow, we’ve really screwed up.
And hey, we’ve got some stuff right.
Interestingly while I’ve seen a lot of strategies for Beza and Luke I really think it’s our parenting of Noah (our 11 year old bio son) that needs it the most. While you wouldn’t say he is “from a hard place” he suffers many of the same issues as adopted children – ADHD, sensory issues, anxiety. All very interesting to me and of course I wonder hm, where did I mess him up 🙂
I took a ton of notes and at the end of the conference I will put together my cryptic typings and post them for those that want them and feel inclined to try to make sense of them.
But for now a few key highlights
- There is NO child that cannot come to dramatic healing
- While we are looking for tools to treat the behaviors, the MOST important thing is the relationship
- If a child has not gotten it (i.e. love, respect, etc), they cannot give it
- There is no shelf life to compassion. You can’t say “But they’ve been home 2 years…”
- Many parents don’t understand that their behaviors caused by THEIR past cause barriers to their relationship w/ the child
- Attachment is not a feeling it is a “dance” – it is a relationship
- It has to be us AND the child VS their history (not us against the child)
- We need to come to our kids with double vision – our perspective and theirs
- We need to learn how to give “yes” moments from “no” behaviors (give them something to say yes to that will stop the negative behavior)
- We should be saying “yes” 7 times for every one time we have to say “no”
- Zero tolerance for disrespect and aggressive behaviors but if we use punitive strategies we will spiral the behavior further downward
- Your goal is to connect with the child is such a way that they come alongside you, “hook arms” so to speak and you can then guide them through life.
- When the child knows it’s all about relationship instead of behavior you will be successful
WHEW!
Of course it’s not all work and no fun! Had a great diner with Angel and my 2 new friends – Lorraine Patterson and Amy Block. We talked, ate, talked some more (okay, a LOT more).
Then we went back to the hotel and soaked in the hot tub – talked some more. Changed into our pj’s, talked some more. Got Mary Ostyn to come hang out with us and talked some more.
And now it’s 1 a.m. and I am done for the day 🙂
It sounds like you’re getting so much out of this conference! I’m so glad you’re sharing your notes because this is stuff we can all use as parents. I’m going to come back and read these over and over again until they start sticking and I have them all down!
SO stinking jealous on every count!!! I am glad you are having such a great time! Love the notes…. want to hear ALL about it when you get home. Love ya, friend!
There is this thing in sales called a YES set. If you want the buyer to buy get them to say YES 7 times before you ask the closing question.
example: Oh, this is a lovely front door isn’t it? Oh wow that carpet sure is red isn’t it? you get the picture…
I have found that the YES set works with kids and negative behavior.
Wow, you really want to go to Chuck E Cheese for Alex’s birthday don’t you?
Oh you love the games there right?
then… after 5 more… hit them with the
You want to make good choices and receive the rewards right?
Hmmm I would think you would want to behave right?
So, if you want to behave then you are going to ____________ right?
I have to tell you, it has worked many of times.
PS I use this in class while I am teaching too!
Good stuff. I think there’s so much of the best adoption/attachment area that can apply to bio kids. Our social worker told us during our last visit that she was doing pre-adopt home studies and realized that the mom’s existing bio kid wasn’t properly attached at all to mom. I am reading Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel right now, which is interesting and thought provoking.
Brain Overload is right! I feel like I’m walking away from the conference with more questions and insecurity than before… which IS NOT what I expected. I’d love to maybe chat with you sometime. Get a little wisdom. Maybe download some of this information we’ve been presented with. And… I don’t think I know your friend.
Hi Julie!
I just found your blog through the BlogHer.com Blog Directory and really enjoyed reading some of your take-aways from the conference! I find it interesting how most (if not all!) of these points can also be applied to adult relationships – or relationships of ANY type, for that matter! 😉
I particularly like the “double vision” point – our perspective and theirs. It’s too easy to get caught up in our own perspective and judge things based on that, forgetting that there is another side to it and that the other person sees it differently than we do… 🙂
I found your blog when I googled a recipe, then clicked to read about this adoption post. Boy was I surprised to see a pic of Lorraine Patterson. I don’t really “know” her, but I attended a play group that she attended years ago and then when she wrote about her adoption journey, I somehow was given the link to it and enjoyed reading it very much. What a small world. 🙂