Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”
There are adoption cliques.
There, I said it.
It’s not really like the junior high cool kid/nerd cliques, but they are present.
During an adoption conference breakout, another attendee said that her friends, who were adopting internationally, made her feel like her domestic infant adoption was less “worthy”.
It broke my heart and shocked me. Not in a “how could they do that” way, but a “how did I not notice this before” way.
Adoptive parents are, if anything, a PASSIONATE bunch. We will raise our adoption-loving, orphan-advocate banners high and wave them around unabashedly!
As an international adoptive parent, it is obviously they type of adoption I am most comfortable talking about. The one you find me most likely to talk about. I hang around with other international adoptive parents because we have common ground.
But if we’re not careful, in our attempts to sing the praises of our particular type of adoption, we alienate others who are led to pursue a different type.
I’ve been on the receiving end of the judgement. More than once I’ve gotten the “why on earth would you adopt internationally when there are kids in the U.S. who need homes?” ESPECIALLY, when the subject of the cost of adoption comes up, which obviously since that’s a subject matter I’m passionate about, happens a lot. There are those that have made me feel like it’s ridiculous to spend $30,000 to adopt a child when you can adopt from foster care for free.
True, it may not seem logical. But we’ve already covered that logic kind of goes out the window with adoption anyways.
So here is what I know.
THERE IS NO BEST TYPE OF ADOPTION!
Every adoption means a child has found a forever family. Each has its pros and cons. Each its own set of challenges.
Without domestic infant adoptions, birth mothers who felt unable to parent their child would be left with only one choice – abortion. And I’ve witnessed beautiful, open adoptions that have not only meant family for that baby, but an additional extended family for the birth parents. Adoptive parents often have an agonizing wait to be “chosen” by a birth mother. Some endure one or more failed adoptions.
Foster-to-adopt parents have an entirely unique set of hoops to jump through and have to navigate a government system in serious need of overhaul. It takes perseverance and persistence, but over 100,000 kids in the U.S. are legally free for adoption and waiting for their forever families.
Globally, there are millions of orphans without parents. While international adoption will never be THE solution to the orphan crisis, it is one piece of the puzzle. For some of these children, especially those with medical needs, adoption might be the difference between life and death.
In high school I was a floater. Some days I’d eat lunch with one group of kids, the next day I might be at a different table. Now as an adoptive parent, I’m navigating the waters much the same way.
I am for children. I am for children in families. I am for adoption.
No matter the type.
I will advocate for every orphan. I will cheer on every adoptive or foster parent. I will give generously to help keep vulnerable children IN families and avoid becoming orphans.
I hope you will join me.
So happy to read this post. It is true and sometimes I have felt “judged” by people asking why would you adopt a baby if all these other kids are waiting. I believe God calls each person to their own purpose and that there are those who don’t have the capacity to navigate the birth mother/adoptive family relationship. I also believe that just like Julie states in this article all adoption is beautiful and no matter what route you go, you are providing a home and a family for a child without one.
In addition to that I have friends who are birth mothers and friends who were adopted from birth. Their lives would be drastically different if people weren’t seeking to adopt infants. Abortion is too often the “only choice” that a woman feels she has when in a crisis situation. I believe if we could educate more and had more birth mother’s speak out to others they would realize that placing a baby for adoption is so much less painful than abortion.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. I have spent the last two hours in tears trying to explain to people why foster adoption isn’t right for me right now, even though the international adoption expenses are monumental and overwhelming. I needed these words so desperately. Thank you.
It is hard, isn’t it. A lot of the time the comments are from people who aren’t doing anything to help kids. Those are a little easier to ignore. But when it comes from other adoptive parents, it’s hard. I usually just tell them “Well, it’s where God led us this time” and leave it at that.
I am a bith mother. I do agree that adoption is beautiful, no matter the path adoptive parents take to adopt. Having said that, it does bother me when people say that birth mothers were not ready to be a parent. In my experience in talking with many birth mothers, that is not the case. There are many reasons why birth mothers have to choose adoption.
You’re right, that’s a MUCH simplified phrase. Do you have a better suggested wording that’s fairly concise? Thank you for taking the time to comment!
I LOVE this post.
I love the quote from Desmond TuTu that says that our children are a gift to us as we are to them. I believe that families are divinely formed.
We have 6 homegrown children and two grafted into the family tree. As we began each of our adoption journeys they ended up very different than how they began. Our first journey began as members of a pilot project to adopt HIV+ sibling set from Lesotho and ended up with us adding a blonde haired blue eyed Caucasian princess from the USA. Who has profound hearing loss.
Our second journey stared of by wanting to adopt a 2 year old profoundly deaf boy from the foster care system in our province to being proposed a african canadian bi racial (Jamaican) 6 month old baby by the time he arrived home from our province.
Each of these adoptions had many twists, turns, ups and downs. But ended better that we could ever have orchestrated. One program was not better than the other just where our child was before coming home. We have been blessed by the loss and sacrifice of many people that have made it possible for us to make these children forever a member of our family.
There are complexities from both types of adoption. Each family needs to weight out the pros and cons and make a private decision where they feel their child is.
Well said Denise!
As I agree with adoption because their are so many children that need homes with loving family I do disagree when a teen would adopt out her child when family would have taking in that baby.. this happened to me and I am very upset at the laws of adoption.. I feel that these children should be with their biological families first and that we as grandparents should be notified when ones daughter is giving up a newborn.. I feel that as a grandparent I have been ripped from being able to spend time with my other granddaughter as I am raising my first one and she is 18 months old.. Now these girls will not grow up together and we will all hurt for a long time due to her selfishness and the laws that allow this to happen… But like I said there are so many unwanted children out there that need you my situation is just different…. Good luck to you all!!